My Kids are Driving Me Nuts: Quarantine Edition

Let me start off by saying what every parent says when they are about to say horrible shit about their kids; I love my little monkeys to the moon and back. Now with that out of the way, those monsters can seriously drive me crazy! Crazy in a very special way…a way that only tiny people I’ve created can…

These creatures of mine have had this ability for quite some time now…so it is not a new feature…not a new talent they picked up…they were born with it and have been sharpening their skills from birth.

Sometimes its actually a bit impressive. Just don’t tell them that! (one day they will realize that they outnumber me and that day, ladies and gentlemen, will be a day for the books)

Now enter CORONA VIRUS!!?? Dun! Dun! Dun! Boom the world shuts down….

No school….

No work…

No daycare…

No travel…

No shopping…

Required masks…..

“essential wokers”….

Stimulus checks…

All of this going on and as confused as we are as adults, our children are even more confused…and they are BORED out of their minds!! (mine have repeatedly told me that cleaning does NOT infact cure being bored) Nothing is more painful for a parent than a bored child…

The other day while I was trying to clean, and make my morning coffee… my two year old decides that he wants to jump….cool normal kids stand up and jump…right?….oh yeah my kid is not so normal…he climbs to the back (headrest) of the reclinder that is already falling apart and older than I am and says “Mommy Look! Jump!”

Looking up from the counter in the kitchen I see the horror that is my baby boy flying threw the air, the chair flings backwards hitting the sliding glass doors just as he lands on the ottoman stomach bouncing from the ottoman to the floor. All while letting out what can only be described as a “Chucky from Childs Play” giggle.

Cool kid, you are amazing, no really, now that I am drenched in “omg my kid is going to die” sweat and you didn’t actually die…I can say that you can color mommy impressed…now please DO NOT do that again or my heart may explode!!

Later that same day….still before the coffee is drank. A very…and I mean a very bored eight year old comes to me…for the 89374th time to remind me that “I’am still bored and want to have a snack but I dont know what I want and can I watch videos on YouTube?”

*small sidenote…Mommy is not a big fan of YouTube…those people who make a ton of money doing stupid shit makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a rusty spoon while listening to circus music….not all the videos and streams are bad there are just a lot out there that are completely fucking ridiculous and irritate the patience right out of my last nerve.

I have told her “no” every single time and yet here she is every five minutes making sure I haven’t changed my mind..Pffft! You know because that has ever happened…(nope)…At this point I refrain from answering her questions because I am not sure that I will be nice…or even eight year old appropriate. She waits only about thirty-four seconds and then stomps off to her room and slams the door….another thing that makes my fucking skin crawl and boils my blood to no end.

Enter the teenaged boy….also unbelieveably bored to the point of almost banging his head against his computer desk. The desk being more valuable than his head when he’s asked…drama…He has crawled out of his cave due to the door slamming…and has decided to seize this time of opportunity to ask about his license and driving practice….another thing that completly stresses me out…like bite your nails and lose your hair while gaining an ulcer, type of stress.

Ha! All that and we are not even mentioning the constant eating and spilling and the….”he took my___!”…..”she wont let me have the__!”……… “can I have more ___?”…….. “he hit me!”…. *insert random high volume Velociraptor screeches at random throughout the day* hahaha!!! I almost forgot about the homeschooling requirement since the COVID-19 situation closed down all the schools….that’s super awesome…I can honestly say that I didn’t homeschool before for a REASON.. because I am not a teacher, and can admit that….but no now I am, in fact, not just a teacher but a homeschool there’s that!

I miss school….that was a glorious time…six whole hours that didn’t involve me in anyway….seems sooooo long ago.

My kid’s are driving me nuts.

*and then have the nerve to be adorable while sleeping making me think “awe they aren’t so baddd..” pffttt….darn little con-artists. lol*

I cannot be alone.

S. Sanity

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